However, MCMAP requires that I learn skills of disarming and using a firearm as a method of ending a conflict.
I held what is called a mokaju (a wooden stick that you would hold just like a rifle and is as long as a rifle with a bayonet attached at the end) and learned to move, thrust, slash, smash and disrupt. The master sergeant and I had a talk about the psychology of killing and the difference it makes being 100 yards away and being 1 foot away. I believed him with my head but not my heart.
It was not until the next day, in full padding and holding a pugle stick (a stick covered with padding, imagine American Gladiators jousting sticks) when I was told to engage with a Marine. I hesitated. My heart was telling me that I cannot hurt this Marine. I went on the defensive. I tried a couple of moves but all resulted with the Marine earning the victory point.
I am not upset at how I did in the sparing session but rather that even after having the discussion with the MsSgt about the psychology of warfare and the impact of killing someone up close, I could not overcome by basic instincts and do what I had been training to do.
Perhaps that is why I am grateful that as a chaplain, I will not have to make that decision or be in the situation where I may have to kill someone - intimately or any other way.
At the same time, choosing to take this class and learn this martial art, I hope to absorb what I am taught so I can be a more well-rounded chaplain for the Marines I am and will be serving in the future.
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